BULLETIN FROM POKEMON LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL:
Ash Ketchum has falsified his trainer record on several instances, most noticeably in the claim of his Pikachu knowing Volt Tackle---in fact, it is merely a Quick Attack combined with Thunder Shock, little more than a light show. The intentional falsification of his Pokemon's abilities is obviously a ploy to bypass the numerous safety restrictions on level and type disparities in order to gain unwarranted prestige and wealth and WILL NOT BE TOLERATED, both for the sake of honor and the sake of the Pokemon being subjected to ever-stronger opponents without the proper training---in such cases, even a fixed fight can be deadly.
On that note, a preliminary investigation has shown ample evidence that numerous Gym Leaders have given Ash Ketchum badges without him winning an officially sanctioned match, managing to win matches despite an extremely high probability of victory (see Pewter City v. Ketchum & Brock, the infamous 'Onix Incident'), and sometimes without him even competing in a match at all.
For example, League investigators have already proven that the alleged "Ash-Misty fight" never occurred. All official video evidence was 'lost', leaving only highly-suspect security camera footage (at least one tape has been proven to be falsified), and financial records show that Ketchum paid Misty on the order of 10000 Poke-yen---transferred from Ketchum's mothers account without her knowledge---shortly before the 'battle'. Delia Ketchum had no comment on the accusations beyond repeating "he's a good boy, he's a good boy" multiple times in a slightly-deranged tone.
The unsanctioned nature of the battle is already proven; the only question that remains is a bribery charge that will almost certainly not be in his favor. While a detailed investigation is still underway, it appears that this is NOT an isolated incident in Ketchum's career---numerous other Gym Leaders are now under suspicion of accepting bribes or handing out 'pity badges'. And unlike record falsification, the charges of bribery, fixed fights, and Badge Record falsification are felony offenses for trainer and Leader alike, and can result in significant jail time and lifetime stripping of trainer certification.
Ash Ketchum is hereby ruled guilty of record falsification, and is stripped of his trainer certification for a minimum of one year, with a required re-completion of the exams to regain it after the ban has expired. Might I note that the exams have markedly improved their anti-cheating methods since Ash 'earned' his certification the last time.
Charges of Gym tampering and bribery are pending, but until the case is tried, all of Ketchum's Pokemon---the ones that haven't 'been freed' and disappeared over the years, anyway---will be held in protective custody to undergo psych tests and examinations for physical and mental abuse. Early tests show an absurdly high rate of injury in his trademark Pikachu, likely due to Ash's use of record falsification to skirt level restrictions and put the Pokemon in danger that it is nowhere near ready to face. One doctor, sadly, suggests that the creature may have to be put down due to enormous levels of brain damage.
THE POKEMON LEAGUE TAKES ABUSE AND ENDANGERMENT CHARGES VERY SERIOUSLY. WE DO NOT PLAY GAMES WITH THESE CREATURES' LIVES. ANYONE FOUND TO BE RISKING THEIR POKEMONS' HEALTH BY INCORRECTLY PROMOTING AN INEXPERIENCED TRAINER, PARTICULARLY THROUGH BRIBERY OR OTHER ILLEGAL MEANS, WILL BE HELD JUST AS GUILTY AS THE TRAINER HIMSELF IN THE EVENT OF ANY PHYSICAL OR MENTAL HARM. If Pikachu or any other of Ketchum's Pokemon have suffered permanent damage, all Gym Leaders found to have given illegal aid to Ketchum will be charged with the same crimes as he.
On a related note, Brock will be facing voyeurism and sexual assault charges this January. The former Pallet Gym Leader, who himself is under investigation in the Ketchum probe, has been the source of numerous harassment claims over the years, but these charges could bring him twenty years in prison.
---League Legal Director Bob Bobberson
***
This is true because it's canon. I'm MAKING it canon. The authors of the anime have forfeited their privilege to lecture us on anything, let alone Pokemon, after the abomination of the Thundershocked Onix, the awarding of pity badges, and the loss to Magikarp. Also, spontaneous rice ball transmutation. In any case, I have erased their canon and replaced it with my own.
BWAHAHAHA
As long as Gary motherf*cking Oak doesn't show up and put a kink in my seizing of canon-power, everything should run smoother than a Gardevoir's legs.
...ohh yeah.
